You know that feeling you get when something happens and you think you should say something, but you don’t want it to turn into a conflict? Have you ever seen something that you know is wrong, felt like it wasn’t that big of a deal, and so you just moved past it? Imagine having an idea, not being sure how it will be perceived, so it’s never brought up. Tactics around tone, approach, and timing are things that need to be considered and are only mastered with maturity and experience. There is no book that can be learned from, it is all trial and error. In most cases, this is a great chance to seek advice from trusted counsel. This happens at work, social circles, and at home. If you haven’t mastered it yet, don’t worry! You are totally normal.
A major consideration is what the opportunity cost is. In other words, what is the risk if you do or do not have the conversation? In most cases, not having the conversation will lead to the condition getting worse and the fall out will be that much greater. It’s the same as bullying… if you do not say anything, you almost become “okay” with it. You will end up tolerating it, but inside a rage intensifies with an ice cold passion.
You need to ask yourself what is the value of the relationship and are you ok with all possible outcomes. Here is an example… Your mother doesn’t like your boyfriend of three years and throws all types of shade when she sees him. The reality is, her conflict started in the beginning and you should have nipped it in the bud a long time ago. Consider how your boyfriend feels… he may feel like he is left out on an island all alone, and the one person who should protect him at all times is remaining silent. I have said it before and I’ll say it again, protect your unit at all costs, no matter who it is. Your boyfriend may never tell you it makes him uncomfortable when he is hit with Hurricane “MOM”, but why should he have to? Look out for the signs. Listen to your partner, even when he or she is not talking, you can still hear them.
So how do you facilitate a difficult conversation? If you could really careless about your relationship with that person, then you simply send them a message saying their behavior is not ok and that friendship is over; but in almost all other cases, it is those closest to us that are causing some type of dissonance. Be mindful what matters here: partner’s feelings. You may think there is nothing wrong with your mother’s comments, but if you know it makes your partner uncomfortable, you need to put an end to it. You have got to work effortlessly to create a culture of safety, where any conversation topic is ok and will be heard. This is much easier said than done, but you have to try every day. Now, if the person is very close to you, there are ways to establish boundaries without blasting them in the chest. Keep in mind that boundaries are not automatically known; they must be established and communicated per person and per relationship. Lead the conversation with love, “hey you know I really cherish our friendship. However…” Then provide an example to make it clear what the issue is, “I noticed the rude comments you’ve made to the person I have chosen to be with, it is disrespectful and it is rude.” Allow them to respond and it will tell you quite a bit. Beware, never place the reason for the conversation on the back of your partner. Even if they are the one who is compelling you to speak up, you must always remain as the fortress around your partner. Never allow the conversation to become a “he said, she said” because in that moment, instead of defending your partner, you might have created the start of distrust.
Be prepared for this person to pull back a bit. Be prepared for them to defend themselves and understand that most of the time they will be shocked because the result of their actions were not intentional. Know that this will be temporary and if they respect you and your relationship, they will quickly fall back into place and all is well. If they do not, you know they were not ready to be that close. The worst thing we can do is avoid a conflict because we are afraid of someone’s hurt feelings or reaction. We need to find a much better way to use our words to shape the conversation. Too many times, strong couples allow non-confronted conflict to boil up and eventually they will irrupt. If this happens, it will be difficult to control the fall out rather than address the minor issues when they happen. I’ll leave you with some wise words from Mrs. Jackson, “Shut that down automatic, and I guarantee they’ll fall in line” meaning speak up for yourself and you will be heard.
I am interested in hearing your experiences. Please feel free to comment with your thoughts and stories.