It is one thing to be here, but are you PRESENT in your relationship? Two very different things. Lets explore...
Being here is simply being in the space. But being present is being connected physically and mentally. Are you able to know what your partner is feeling without even asking? If so, then you are present. No one is expecting you to be a mind reader, but be aware enough to know where they are at that moment. Your reactions should counter that. For example, you should always ask "how was your day" and actually care about the response. It will tell you a lot. One thing to know about men is that they try not to bring work drama home. So the day could be really stressful and intense but they will say it is ok or good simply because they don't want to feel like a burden. If you are present in that moment, you should pick up on that and your actions counter that. Examples would be a simple kiss, hug, random I love you, or some action or phrase to move them to a better place. Being present is also knowing each others' stress points. For some people it is the beginning of the month when all the bills or due, or it is the end of the moment when a big report is due at work. Being present in the relationship will bring these things to your radar.
I have mentioned before about how random small acts of kindness and affection can sustain and support a relationship through the roughest moments. On a really bad day, he will remember that hand-written note and it will turn his day around. Being present allows you to see those actions hold someone up. We all want to feel some basic emotions. Those include appreciation, love, security, and lusted after by the one we love. All the other emotions and feelings are secondary. Ask yourself if you are present enough to know where you stand in producing these emotions. Believe it or not, people love how they want to be loved until they know exactly what you need. So be clear. Allow them to be present in the relationship by making it easy. When that communication comes to you (both subliminal and direct), that it seriously. Brushing it off shows you either don't care or you are not present.
In my experience, I have seen some couples were one is very present and the other is not. They present one gives, drops hints that they need more and then something happens that moves their emotion from,"I will give me all", too "I don't give a shit". Hardcore lovers take a very long time to get to the "I don't give a shit" phase, but once they do, it will be hard to get them back. It is possible but it will require the other person to vulnerable, honest and learn to live without the other person for a bit. Today I spoke to a friend who ended a serious multi-year relationship and now they are both back together. It took the not present person to realize what they missed and what they had, behavior finally changed because they wanted too.
Being present in your relationship can prevent this. It is not difficult but if you follow these simple guidelines, you should be good:
- Engage in daily conversation about what is happening in their life.
- Consistently try to place a smile on their face and when you need one, they will be there.
- Do not engage in any behavior that will disrupt the bond or something you know that will make the other uncomfortable (not even mad, just uncomfortable).
- Take a vested interest in their goals, remind them of their goals, and offer help/support.
- When they come to you for advice, try to be undistracted.
- When needs are shared, take it very seriously.
A couple that can be vulnerable with each other in all aspects of the relationship, will grow into an incredibly strong bond without much effort. Understand that you are fighting against the norm and your healthy relationship will be admired and also tested by outside forces. Stay committed to the goals, the unit and your values. Treat people well, do what's right, because karma is very real. Hang in there and love more!!
Disclaimer: This blog is simply my thoughts on topics surrounding healthy relationships and is in no way a depiction of my own loving relationship. To submit a topic for consideration, please email tyrell.lashley@gmail.com.